And in the face of death, we are all losers.

The first time I encountered death was when I was too naively young to even know what death signifies and death lugged my maternal great grandmother away. I didn't know what my mum, aunts and grandmother were crying about but we kids were sent outside and played hide and seek. We were all kept safely cocooned in a delusional bubble of joy where pain and death don't exist. 

The second time I encountered death was last week. By the age of 20, I've already encountered heartbreaks, pain, disappointments but death was still something I am unfamiliar with. This time, my dearest grandfather was lugged away. 

Here are the stages when facing a close one's death:

1. Skepticism. 

I received a text message from my dad when I was at my 9-5 job informing me that grandpa passed away. I sat there, thinking to myself if I am supposed to reply the text message and if yes, what is it that I have to reply? Was it an "okay", "why" or to not reply the text message at all. 

Everything felt so unaccustomed and suddenly, I start doubting if everything is true. Is this a dream? Did dad sent the wrong text message? Were the doctors mistaken? Maybe he was only sleeping? 

2. Realization.

This is the stage where you realized that everything is real and he is really gone. 

I walked out of my office, trying not to cry to avoid questions. I called my brother and then received a call from the hospital telling me the same. 

I spent the rest of the day either sleeping or crying but told myself that I will be strong after all the cryings tonight. I had to, at least for my mum, aunts and grandma.

3. Acceptance.

At this point, I've accepted that grandpa is gone and there are things that need to be done. I woke up early the next morning, still unaccustomed but I've accepted that there is no way that grandpa will be back. But I've learned that accepting doesn't mean that you've moved on. 

This is the day my grandma looked at me, weeping really hard and told me "Grandpa is gone". 

I see my mum pretends to be strong but cries at night. 

I see my aunt trying not to cry but still cry anyways.

I learnt to fold Chinese Paper Money and visitors started asking me to teach them on how to fold them. At the end of the day, I am already good at folding it. 

For someone who tears up when someone tells me horror stories, I wished to be able to see spirits that night. I wanted to be there for grandpa if he at all is watching us in grief. 

4. The Breakdown.

This is the biggest breakdown of all the breakdowns. This is the stage when you experience something that makes you need your grandpa most. It's needing your grandpa but he can't, wouldn't and isn't here, forever. 

That night, I felt my heart shattering, I felt out of breath and I really missed my grandpa. I felt a true heartbreak. 

I felt agonized. 

5. Recovering. 

This is the stage when you don't cry anymore. Of course it still aches, but we are moving on with life like usual, only without him this time. 

Grandpa stays in our memories. A blog post would not be able to bring him back to life, but I hope this post will help me remember him eternally. Here's another post I wrote when he was still alive. 

Rest In Peace.